


Why Did You Drop Us Here?

by INerdMuch



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: I ship it now, Minor Angst, Okay I'm sorry but it had to be done, Sharing a Bed, hell is real and Alabama doesn't exist, hm, so it's pretty cute, they just show up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-04 10:37:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17303078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/INerdMuch/pseuds/INerdMuch
Summary: Ham and Noir fall back into Miles' universe. They don't know why, but a mysterious entity told them to get it together.Get what together?Luckily, Aunt May lets them stay, and shenanigans ensue. Mildly traumatising shenanigans, but shenanigans all the same.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm half sorry

This was not good.

May Parker was expecting a quiet evening. After her Peter had died, she'd grown used to evenings with only needlework for company. However, the knocking on her door said that would not be the case. With weary bones, she managed to drag herself out of her sofa and to the door. Perhaps it would be Miles. He tended to swing by for tea some evenings, or just to talk. It was probably just Miles.

Spider Noir slunk through her door, and Spider Ham trotted in behind him calmly. Apparently, dimensional hijinks weren't entirely over.

"What are you two doing here?" May asked, looking shocked. Noir removed his hat, and coughed into his fist. Ham tried to look everywhere except her eyes. "Is anyone else here? Did the collider get put back together?!"

"No, no, that isn't it. Uh, Ms May, you should probably sit down for this," Noir said gently. May nodded, and led them to the living room. It had been fixed by her insurance very quickly, and looked as if nothing had happened. Noir took a seat on the long sofa across from hers, at one end, and Ham at the very other side. May filed that away for future use.

"So, why are you two here? It's been four months. I'm sure Miles will be glad to know, especially if the others have come," May continued, placing her needlework on her table.

"Well, I don't know exactly how, but one minute I was punching Nazis, the next I was in a dark void. Next to me was Ham, and he looked just jazzed to be there. He was covered in soap, over his suit, and then suddenly a voice began to talk to us." Noir began, only to have Ham look at him from under his mask.

"I was in the middle of an amazing bath. Full bubbles, scented candles, wine, chocolate, the works," Ham grumbled, shivering slightly.

"The voice basically told us that we had 'issues to work out' and that we were 'stupidly blind'. Then it had the gall to drop us in a dumpster with the lingering message to 'get it together, or stay stuck'. Then it shut up, and we were in a dumpster," Noir stated. "That's why we smell less like roses then usual, Ma'am."

"I'd noticed," May said, and sighed. "Well, you may stay here for awhile, I suppose, until we can get something to get you boys back. Any glitches?"

"No, Ma'am."

"Good. Well, house rules are as follows; no patrol without telling me first, be polite, be patient and play nice. Oh, and also, I only have one spare room, so no bickering late at night. I need to sleep." May sipped her tea. "Ham, this is specifically aimed at you; no comedic breakages please."

Ham saluted, "Yes Ma'am!"

"Now please, the shower is upstairs, on the left. The guest room is marked with a blue forget me not. I suggest getting to bed for tonight, as it is late and you've just travelled from another dimension. Are you hungry?" Ham shook his head, and Noir was quick to follow suit. Speaking of suits, May mused on what to do about clothes. "I think we have some shirts that might fit you, Noir, and maybe some really baggy sweatpants. Ham, we can give you a massive shirt, or I could grab some old children's clothes from the loft."

"Thank you, Aunt May." Noir said, nodding his head.

"We can get the clothes down tomorrow, May, I'll just use a shirt tonight," Ham said, smiling. May nodded, and shooed them upstairs. "Nighty night."

"Good night, Aunt May."

The floorboards creaked as Noir reached the top step. He peered into the guest room, and noticed that there was only one double bed. He'd let Ham take it tonight. The sound of a shower turning on behind him drew his gaze back to the bathroom. Ah. Oh well, Ham wouldn't be too long. Noir decided to check for some clothes in the meantime.

Eventually, he managed to find something decent. A tight shirt, in red, and a pair of soft trousers that only came slightly above his ankles. After a few moments, he left a blue shirt on the bed for Ham. No doubt it would be huge, but it was better than nothing. Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. Ham chose this moment to shuffle into the room, wrapped in what had to be a head towel. He grumbled, half awake. Noir decided against commenting, and left for the shower.

Oh, the future was weird. Twisting one of the several knobs, cold water splashed down. So blue was cold, then. That meant hot was red, right? Twisting it slightly, he was rewarded with a pleasantly hot streak of water. Hoping May wouldn't mind, he used the lavender shampoo and body wash, and enjoyed feeling the sweat and dumpster scent washing off him. Finally, he felt relaxed. Closing the taps, he stepped out and dried himself as best as possible in the steamy, tiny room. Stretching, he re-hung up his towel and threw his spider suiting the hamper, with Ham's. His glasses fogged up when he put them on, which wasn't actually that surprising.

When he entered the guest room, he was pleased to see that Ham had taken the bed, and was snoring heavily on his back. He stopped snoring, and opened his eyes slowly as the light from the hall hit his eyelids. Ham watched in confusion as Noir closed the door, and made as if he'd sleep on the floor.

"What are you doing?" He whispered, tilting his head.

"Going to sleep, obviously." Noir said.

"On the floor?"

"Yes." Ham felt very confused.

"Why don't we just share?" Noir looked up at this, as if he'd not even considered it before that second.

"If you're sure..." Noir began to climb into the bed, pausing half way. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, get in, you're letting in the cold air," Ham whined. He sighed in relief as the covers settled back down. "Okay, nighty night, Noir."

"Goodnight, Ham"

Half a minute later, the heavy snoring began again. Noir rolled his eyes, and settled down for a long night. It was surprising how fast he fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do You do this to me??

"Good morning, boys, how did you sleep?" May asked, carefully flipping eggs.

"Very well, thank you," replied Noir, who definitely looked better. He'd woken up to find that he had some better fitting clothes from May, and promptly chosen a nice pair of jeans and a red hoodie. He borrowed a pair of boots as well. Apart from his grey skin, he looked relatively normal. She resolved to teach him about the joys of foundation.

Down the stairs stumbled Ham. He looked exceptionally half asleep, rubbing his eyes and blinking like a toddler. He scrambled up a chair, and sat calmly.

"Good Morning, Aunt May," he mumbled, leaning his chin on the table. This caused the effect of his cheeks puffing up. It was too good. How could May say no to this picture? A quick snap on her phone, and it was saved forever. That was being sent to Miles immediately.

"Eggs for breakfast?"

"Yes, please," chorused two voices in perfect unison. Ham yawned, unconcerned at sudden chorus, but Noir looked mildly confused.

"That would be eggsellent. Absolutely cracking," Ham said, apparently awake enough for puns. May groaned, but surprisingly, she heard a snorting giggle come from behind her. Noir was struggling to hold in his laughter.

"Nice one, Ham. That made me laugh for the first time in a while."

-/-/-\\-\\-

The morning progressed in relative quiet. Ham took it upon himself to teach Noir some new colours. He knew the basics of a rubix cube, but not much further. He did this by picking up a book of wall paint samples, and getting Noir to ask him about ones he didn't know.

"This one looks like you, Ham," Noir said, pointing to a lovely pink. Ham nodded.

"That's pink."

"Ah."

May walked into the living room briskly. She had a handbag, and a pretty silk scarf full of colours that not even an artist could discern at first glance. She picked up a set of keys, and slipped on a pair of shoes.

"I have to go to the grocers today, so you boys behave until I get back. Don't open the door to anyone, I don't care who they are. Food's in the fridge, and the television remote is on the table. Be back by six, play nice!" May left the house with a bang. Ham looked up from the book he was perusing and looked over to Noir. The man was completely entranced with the colours of the book.

"Got a favourite colour yet?" He asked, closing his book and picking up the television remote. He flicked through channels until he reached a music station, and let the sound pour out quietly.

"There's so many, I'm not sure yet," Noir mused, still perusing the pink section. He didn't really bother listening to the modern pop on the television. Ham shrugged, and stood up.

"Want a drink?"

"I'm fine, thank you," Ham nodded, and entered the kitchen. Pushing a chair, he managed to open the fridge. Inside was a selection of foods and drinks, some of which he'd never tasted. He decided to play it safe and just get some apple juice. After closing the fridge, he climbed from the chair to the counter. Just barely, he managed to reach a glass.

With his beverage, he decided to meander back into the lounge. Noir hadn't moved. The TV was still playing music, so Ham decided he might as well watch cartoons. Flicking to the children's channel, he found, to his delight, that Looney Tunes was on. Settling into the squishy chair, he sipped through a curly straw and focused intensely on Bugs Bunny. Important research on how he could use Cartoon Physics to his advantage.

Noir made a strangled sound.

"Are those...?"

"Cartoons? Yeah."

"In my universe, you have to go to the theatre to see cartoons. I never could afford the tickets," Noir admitted. Ham gasped comically loud, and slammed the book in Noir's hands closed. "Hey-"

"Shut up, Mr. Broody, watch the cartoons. I'm taking you to my place someday, and you'll have to see cartoons everywhere," Ham declared. Noir chuckled, and nodded.

They spent the entire day watching cartoons. Occasionally Noir would ask the colour of a pony, or question where a mallet came from, but he kept mostly quiet. The stopped only to have lunch at two, modest sandwiches, before going straight back to cartoons. Time passed so swiftly that when May walked in, they both jumped.

"Hello, boys. Noir, I got you some foundation, so you can walk outside. I also got a backpack, so Ham can hide out and go with you, instead of staying cooped up in here," May explained. "I did get these things with a favour in mind."

Noir and Ham looked at each other in determination.

"Anything." Ham said.

"Well, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, but I also need to pick up several things. Can you get what's on the list?" May asked.

"We can do that," agreed Noir.

"Well, I need some items from this store, called 'Charmine Tea House'. Just say you're from May. Also, I need you to pick up some packages from the post office..."

Ham slowly found himself paying less attention. He stretched, and leaned further into the sofa. It was really warm, in this little patch of sunshine. A few seconds of shut eye couldn't hurt anyone. He snoozed contentedly, twitching his snout occasionally as shadows changed.

"It's not that late, is it?" Asked May quietly. Noir glanced at the clock; 9:30pm. "Oh dear. Well, if you carry him up to bed, we can have some dinner, a and get him something extra for breakfast tomorrow."

Ham felt arms slide under him, and twitched, disgruntled. Then he was being lifted, and that was even worse. He kicked out in his sleep.

"Noir! Hold him to your chest!" May scolded, and Noir immediately tried to do just that. He ended up holding Ham like a baby. "Better than nothing I suppose."

It confused Ham, later that night, when he woke in bed. Slowly deducing what had happened, he whispered his thanks, and rolled on his side to face Noir's back. Little did he know, that Noir had heard his words, and was pondering them into the early hours of the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because we're delta airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters in one night. That'll keep y'all busy for a while.

"Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, Aunt May, this is a tad, ah, cozy." Ham was struggling to tuck in his tail, which popped out at any and every point of the backpack. "No, wait, I FIT!"

May chuckled, and locked the door behind them. She then gave Noir a set of keys, tucking them into his pocket. She had taken an hour to make up his face and he looked like any other man in the city. His scars were hidden slightly, but she'd been unable to hide the bigger ones. His hands were in gloves, and he was wrapped in a scarf to his chin, hiding the rest of the grey of his skin. Ham had even said it looked okay.

"Make sure you go only to where I told you, and try not to linger," she ordered, and smoothed down his collar. "Whilst I'm sure you can take care of it, danger is everywhere."

"Will do, Ma'am," Noir said seriously, and pressed a kiss to her hand.

"See you two later!"

-/-/-\\-\\-

Inside the teashop, Noir felt out of place. It's was hardly full, but that meant there was less time to practice what he had to say to the cashier. He felt Ham poke his back. Slowly, he made his way to the register, and coughed quietly.

"How may I help you, dearie?" The sweet old lady behind the desk smiled warmly. Her dark grey hair fell in loose waves, and the wrinkles around her eyes told tales of many days of laughter.

"Ms May Parker sent me to pick up her order, uh, if possible," he stuttered. Ah, that was a brodie. He shouldn't have stuttered. Now Ham would make fun of him, which was all wet.

"Of course, do you have her signature?" Oh. Well, Noir wasn't expecting that. Smiling a tiny grin, he handed her the little sheet of paper from May. "Lovely. I'll get that for you now."

She turned and picked up a small brown package. Passing to Noir, she smiled again. "Be safe! Tell May that she stills needs to pop round for a chat!"

Noir assured that he would, and walked out of the store. Stopping at a bench, he opened the backpack a tiny bit and handed Ham the package. There was a quiet pop, and Ham told him it was safe.

"I put it in my personal little ether. It won't take up much space, but it does make me feel a bit strange for a few seconds," Ham explained as they walked down an alleyway. As they reached the light of the next street, the two fell into silence as the next store came into sight. The post office was small, and very run down. The teenager behind the glass screen didn't even ask for confirmation. She just threw them the packages and went back to her phone.

Noir spotted an odd looking sweet on the shelves, and thumbed through the extra change in his pocket. Why not? It looked whacky, and maybe Ham could tell him what it was. He payed for it, and slipped it into his pocket. Ham didn't need to know. Not yet.

The last stop was-

Oh. Oh no.

'Butcher' was circled in red, meaning it was important that he got it, and pretty sharpish. He couldn't go there with Ham! That would be like going to a cannibal shop with a child, who'd never been to a cannibal shop! Whilst similes were not his forte, he felt it was a good description for the idea.

"Ham, I'm gonna run ya home as fast as my gams can take me, I feel this next stop isn't for you."

"Hey, now, I ain't going home!" Of course he'd protest.

"Ham, don't argue, you can't come-" Noir's desperate attempts were drowned by Ham's rising agitation.

"It can't be that bad! Look, I am not leaving this bag, buster," Ham said stubbornly. Noir knew then, that nothing would deter the pig. There was only one option, and it felt like taking the lamb to the slaughter, or in this case, the pig to the butcher.

"Promise me you won't peek out then, Ham." Something in his voice sounded off.

"Geeze Louise, okay!" Ham squirmed for a moment, then stilled. "Just hurry up."

Noir took a deep breath, and continued. This was clearly a bad idea. However, even as his doubts grew and shouted, the sign for the butchers came into view. The smell of fresh meat grew, and the bell jingled far too cheerily. He could feel Ham shuffling about in his bag.

Ham leaned into his knees in boredom. The darkness of the backpack was so boring, and the sounds from outside were very, very interesting. He desperately wanted to look, but refrained from doing so. He'd made a promise not to to peek. However, the specifications were that he was to not peek. He could always take a glance, or a look, or a glare. That way, he hadn't broken his promise!

"Do you want a bag?" The cashier's voice trickled into his little space. Now was his only chance! A quick scope, and he'd be back in the bags before Noir ever could know.

Unzipping the side of the bag, the first thing he noticed was the strange smell. The second thing he noticed was the fact that the counter was full of meats. It felt like a horror scene, which he'd never really felt, being a cartoon and all. He couldn't tear his eyes away. A door creaked behind the counter, and through the crack he could see literal legs hung from hooks. He was going to puke. Ham didn't want to see anymore, and zipped the bag shut a bit too loudly.

Noir's weight began to shift, and the steady sway indicated that they were walking again. With every crinkle of the bag, Ham found himself holding back vomit. He'd forgotten. Human's ate meat, but he'd forgotten. In his universe, food just appeared. Nothing was killed for it. The only farms grew vegetation, but humans were different. Did Noir eat pork? No, no, he's Jewish, Jewish people don't eat pork. Oh god, he needed to stop thinking. Stop thinking forever.

The second they were indoors, he rushed past a tired looking Aunt May without a hello, into the bathroom. The sound of retching followed him. He heard Noir sigh.

"He looked..."

Aunt May turned to him in confusion.

"Well, we got what you needed, but uh, I don't think the Butcher is the best place for a pig." May gasped, looking horrified at her stupidity. "He promised he wouldn't peek, but I was foolish."

Noir slowly made his way to the bathroom upstairs, where retching could still be heard. May say on the sofa, and cursed her blindness. The only thing to do was wait to see how Ham felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Hey you. Comment. Please.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is to make up for the previous chapters weirdness

Rubbing the back of his tiny friend, Noir murmured empty platitudes. Ham was shivering, and there were a few tears in his eyes as he clenched his teeth. Behind them the bath was running. It filled the room with steam. Closing the tap, Noir stood up, slightly awkwardly.

"Ham, I'm going to leave you to your bath, so- Ham?" The tiny body clutching his trouser leg definitely didn't want to let him go. "Ham, you need to get clean."

"Don't go." He sounded shaky, an unexpected thing of the bubbly character. "I don't think I can be alone just yet."

Noir nodded and sat on the toilet lid, facing the other way as Ham changed. The rustle of the clothing brought a blush to his face. This felt very inappropriate, nudity was only for family! Or, well, lovers, but surely they weren't- hold up.

What the hell. Were they lovers?! Noir began to tick things off in his mind. Share a bed? They did. Spend a lot of time together, comfortably? Check that box. Eat together? Sure they had. Visit each other whenever they could? Well, that last one was mostly impossible. Dream about the other? Oh damn, at least he did. Love each other?

Truly love each other?

Only the one person that they'd love, forever?

Noir bit his lip, as he heard Ham fall into the bath with a little splash. Did he love Ham? What was love? Was it admiring someone's bravery and loyalty? It had to involve being good to each other. There was something about looking past the visage and into the soul, wasn't there? So. Did he love Ham?

God, yes.

His cheeks flushed with warmth. He loved Ham. He loved Ham? He LOVED Ham. There wasn't anything else to say. There was only the question of whether or not Ham felt the same.

"Noir..." Ham's voice sounded pathetic.

"You can call me Peter."

"Peter..." Was that a good idea? Probably not. Oh well, that wasn't the point right now. "I can't reach the soap."

He'd not noticed that. Turning around, he stiffly reached for the shampoo and soap, looking everywhere but the bath tub. He refused to.

"You know, there are bubbles. I'm hidden for your decency, wuss. Quite a few people in my universe don't wear pants, or shirts, or anything at all." Ham said, pulling a scrubbing brush from somewhere. Noir gave him a look. From beneath a mountain of bubbles, only a snout and two ears were visible. Noir burst into giggles and laughter. "What? What's so funny? Peter? Stop that. Why are you laughing? Is it cause I'm doing... This?!"

Noir dared to take a look, and his laughter doubled. Ham had created himself a mermaid tail, complete with a shell bra and foamy wig.

"Hey! Don't laugh at a damsel!" Noir dared to peak again, and nearly choked on his hard laughter. Ham now sported a beard to rival Zeus', eyebrows bigger than Aunt May's patience and a suit. All made of bubbles. "This is a serious matter!"

He sent a few drops of water over to Noir, who looked at him incredulously. He grinned, and send more to the noire man. Noir stood up, his foundation rubbing off and dripping. He calmly took a few steps forward, and leaned on the edge of the tub. Ham looked as innocent as possible. Then he was dunked, and Noir snickered at his wide eyed expression.

"Oh, it's on!"

-/-/-\\-\\-

"Truce!" Shouted Noir, half an hour later. The floor was soaked, and his hair was plastered to his face. Some of his hair curled from his head, and his glasses had been abandoned due to heavy splattering. He'd lost his shirt at some point, and his trousers clung to his legs. "We need to clean up, before Aunt May finds out!"

"Uh, yeah, truce," Ham panted. There was no longer any water in the tub. Only bubbles. "Betcha I can clean faster than you."

"You're on, Ham."

It took them under fifteen minutes. Ham had somehow pulled a mop from behind his back, and swabbed his side in five minutes. Noir resorted to using his semi-dry shirt. In the end, the bathroom was righted, and the two of them were still snickering. Noir tossed Ham his towel, and made do with peeling off his trousers and wrapping his towel around his waist.

"Now the room is less soggy, I suppose we'd best go and change."

"Yeah. Yeah, let's do that Peter."

Now he was actually listening, that sent shivers down Noir's spine. As they trekked down he stairs, Ham in a child's onesie and Noir in a loose shirt and shorts, they came face to face with a confused looking Miles and May.

"Why are you both wet?"

"Uhh..."

"Sudden showers?" Noir suggested, looking at the ceiling, innocent. Ham hit his leg, snorting. Miles rubbed his eyes, but smiled anyway.

"What's up, guys? Why are you back?"

"Long story, Kid. How's about we talk over some food?" Turning hopeful eyes upon Aunt May, Ham was rewarded with a nod. Oh yes, tonight was looking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? A good writer? It's less likely than you think.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Validate me

"Whaddya mean there are still Nazis? It's 2019!" Noir's indignation was slightly humorous. His eyes were wide behind his glasses, and his mouth was slightly open. Ham snickered. Miles had given up trying to explain, and instead just chewed on the salad given by Aunt May. Noir frowned, and leaned forward, lowering his voice. "Where do these Nazis hang out?"

"Peter, please," Ham chuckled, "you can't just punch Nazis all the time. Doesn't anything else get you riled up?"

Noir stopped. He drew his hands to his chest, and his eyes glazed over. Looking into his mind, he could only find one example, but he'd rather give up egg creams than admit it. It was too embarrassing to tell Ham that the only other thing was, well, the cartoon. It'd be capital punishment, of the worst degree. He didn't need him finding out about his feelings.

"Well, it may intrigue you, but Peni actually made something about four days ago, which might get you guys back to your universes." Miles casually said, pulling out a little gold and brown box. It had six buttons, each marked with a different Spider Mask. Ham oinked happily at his little caricature. She even got his nose right. It was genuinely sweet. Even Noir's tiny avatar had a little hat.

"What?! Why didn't you mention this earlier?" Noir demanded. He nearly slammed his hands on the table in response, but refrained. No detective dramatics.

"Well, I know you guys wanna go home, but it has one issue. You have to go to one universe, then the next to actually get home. It goes with you. Peni only made two, and used the other to get home," Miles explained, shrugging helplessly. He didn't understand half the things the intelligent girl said, but smiled anyway. She was so excited when she told him.

Aunt May smiled. Finally, she'd get her spare room back, and not have to deal with these two oblivious idiots.

"Wonderful! That means you two can go home!" Noir snorted, skeptical.

"Well then, Ham, my home or yours first?" It brought him a little dread to ask this. He'd just figured out his feelings, something he hadn't had in a while, and now he had to leave it behind? It was pretty typical of his luck to be honest. It hurt slightly, but then again, most things hurt at this point.

"I think it's best to go to yours, Peter," Ham said slowly. "I don't doubt that you could handle mine, but unless you know the law intimately as all cartoons do, then you're gonna suffer. Acting like your normal self would probably hurt you. And, not to mention, the May Porker in my universe can't handle the shock. Hell, I pretend to be her nephew so she doesn't die of surprise."

That made sense. If it would hurt any part of Ham, Noir would rather die. His Aunt May would understand. Guiltily, he realised that she'd probably die for him. A bit like Ben would've, had he not been eaten alive by the Vulture. His Aunt was very understanding on his awful past.

"Okay. We leave tomorrow morning, because you don't want to be out at night. Especially without your suit or mask," Noir mused, leaning his chin on his knuckles. That also gave them time to rest in the same bed at least once more. He couldn't excuse that in his house, where he could easily take the couch or offer a spare room.

"Great! Now that's sorted, I have to ask, Aunt May? Where are our spider suits?" Aunt May had the grace to look sheepish.

"Well I tried to wash them, but yours is slightly, um, dark? Apparently, Noir's suit bleeds black." Noir blushed, and thanked his greyscale for covering it up. Aunt May retrieved the said suit, and he realised what she meant. The suit was now a mess of mottled red and blue, dark in some patches and completely black in the others. At least Ham wouldn't stand out as much. Miles choked back his laughter, and stood from the table.

"I'll leave this here. Thanks for the food, Aunt May, it was great. See ya amigos!" Then he was out the door, mask down, flying through the streets on threads of silver. He waved as he free fell, and then he rounded a corner and was gone.

"Oh. Well that was... That." Ham snorted, and peered at the clock. It was barely eleven, but he felt tired. The past few days had been stressful. "Should I be this tired?"

"If you're tired, we can go to bed now?" Offered Noir, and then cursed his stupid mouth.

"Only if you carry me." Oh. Actually, bless you mouth, for this great opportunity. Noir scooped him up and held him like a cat. Ham looked unimpressed. "I'm not a cat, Peter."

He shifted until he was cradled in Noir's arms instead. Subconsciously, Noir began to rock him slightly, a habit developed from years of visiting the orphanage and having babies in his arms. Ham wasn't complaining, as the soft motions lulled him half asleep. Noir began his ascent, and only paused when May coughed into her fist.

"You are loved, Noir. More than you know. You don't have to be so guarded. Ham will show you that if you open up to him more," she advised, before walking back to the kitchen. She left Noir on the stairs, paused and contemplating her words. He only moved when Ham shifted to rest his head against his chest.

His bed was definitely more comfortable that night, with Ham in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is she?
> 
> RHIANNA


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🅱lease
> 
> Comment

His dreams were never predictable. Sometimes he'd dream of nothing but sheep. Other times, he'd dream of something hilarious. Tonight was different, however. Instead of the usual bright and blaring colours, he was greeted with gentle greys and blacks. Then he realised that it wasn't his dream that was greyscale, just the man in it. He was in Noir's lap, watching the wind blow over the grassy fields and hills. A few lone treys swayed, and a golden wheat square of land shone. The sky looked like cornflowers, and wispy clouds hung in the sweet smelling breeze.

"Did you know that forget me nots mean true love in flower language?" Noir's voice said. It sounded like they were underwater.

"I thought they meant that you'd not forget someone?" Ham inquired.

"I'd never forget you anyway." His voice sounded like static. It was strange how dreams worked for cartoon pigs.

Ham didn't respond. The sun was warm, and despite how awake he felt, he knew it was a dream. There was no real way that Noir would ever sit in a field with him, discussing flowers. With a sigh, he looked up, only to find Noir was crying. As his tears fell down, they turned into little blue flowers, and began to flood the ground. All the while, Noir smiled, and kept an idle hand on the back of Ham's neck.

"You're crying forget me nots," Ham told him.

"So are you." As he touched his cheeks, they came back covered in wet flowers. He could taste salt.

"Huh."

-/-/-\\-\\-

  
"Ham. Ham. HAM." The pig in question blearily opened his eyes. Noir was gently shaking him, trying to wake him up. "Get dressed, we have to go."

"Noir? But- oh. Never mind. Where's my suit?" Noir held out the darkened material. Respectfully he turned as the pig got dressed. Ham rolled his eyes. Just look already, dummy, he wouldn't mind. With a sigh, Ham finished pulling on the ensemble.

Trekking to the kitchen, they studied the little box carefully. How would they both use it at the same time? Press the button simultaneously, or hold hands? God, they both hoped it was the second one. Not that either of them knew what the other was thinking. Their obliviousness was painful. In fact, it was so painful; Aunt May resisted the strong urge to sigh and slap them both.

"Well, boys, it was nice to see you again," Aunt May said, from her seat. The two jumped, then nodded. "I do hate goodbyes, but..."

"Goodbye, Aunt May," Ham said, flinging his arms around her. Noir soon followed. They all embraced for a few minutes, until Aunt May pushed them off. She wiped away a few tears. Now wasn't the time to get emotional. She had a feeling they'd be back some day, and she hoped by then they'd realise their feelings.

"Try not to get lost, okay?"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

"Anything for you, Aunt May!" They made their way to the little device. Noir grabbed Ham, and as he pressed the button, pretended he hadn't seen the way Aunt May had stared at him. Then with a little pop, they disappeared from the kitchen.

The portal was smoother than the collider, that was certain. For one thing, neither of them felt like screaming in agony or fear. For another thing, it was a lot less terrifying with each other. And then it cut to an abrupt end, when they both landed in a monochrome New York, filled with police sirens.

The alleyway they landed in was shady. Not just lack of sun shady, but shady as in 'Criminals sell drugs and sex here'. Noir knew it well. He'd beaten up several people here, and killed another two. If he tried hard, he could image the blood splatters still on the wall. Thank god for rain. He definitely didn't want Ham to see that. Speaking of which, where was the little guy?

"Whoo, that was quite the ride! I feel kinda dizzy," Ham said loudly, and Noir slapped his hand over his mouth.

"Shhhh, the walls have ears. On occasion there also are eyes." Ham nodded, lips quivering beneath his gloved fingers. Carefully, Noir picked him up and stuffed him under his trench coat. "Hide under there. Hold my leg if you have to, but don't come out. If you thought the butcher shop was bad, you'll never be able to stand this place."

Ham grabbed his leg and held on tightly. Noir had buttoned his trench coat to the bottom, and was now briskly walking. The sounds of the streets were muffled, and if not for the constant and hurried sway, Ham might have enjoyed the trip.

As it was, he didn't.

At all.

It seemed too fast and too slow, and before Ham knew it, they were inside a building, climbing stairs. Then they were in an apartment, where a gramophone played some music quietly. Noir sighed, and unhooked Ham's cold fingers from his trouser leg. He then handed him his coat, which swamped him, and called out tentatively.

Looking around, Ham was interested. They seemed to be in a living room. A few picture were hung up, and two sofas sat in the centre. The aforementioned gramophone played from the corner, on a little table. On the mantelpiece, the rubix cube sat proudly, shining in a thousand colours. At least, to Noir it shone a thousand colours. To Ham it shone six.

"Aunt May? I'm home! I also brought a guest!" There was a shuffling sound, and from a doorway came a frail, tired looking woman. Her eyes held more lines than any May Ham had ever seen. She looked over to the little pig in the massive trench coat, and back to Noir.

"I understand the colour cube dear. But why this... Creature? We can't afford pets," She asked.

"Actually, Ma'am, I'm a mammal, with a heart just like yours!" Aunt May nodded, and walked over to the sofa. Before any more words were said, she promptly fainted. "Too much?"

Noir sighed heavily.

"Too much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Validate me please I'm an attention whore


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No editing we die illiterate or not at all

Noir stared, contemplating whether or not Ham would like tea. He could just ask, but then again, they only had one brand. Would it be presumptuous to bring him a cup? It would definitely be rude not to. Instead of thinking too much, Noir gave up and made Ham the tea. If the pig didn't want it, he'd drink it. Waste not, want not, after all.

"She hasn't woken up. Will she be okay?" Ham looked up from where he sat, remorse in his eyes. Noir had placed a blanket over his aunt, and put her teacup on the table. Ham gratefully took his, and sipped the warm liquid noisily. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Ham." Noir assured, and sat next to him. He could feel the way Ham leaned into him, from the dip he made in the sofa, and tried not to dwell on it too long.

Oh, God, he was dwelling on it.

Ham sighed. It shook his little body from head to toe (trotter? hoof?), and he snuggled down further.

"You're warm as hell." That would probably be because he was blushing. "Hey, Peter? Do you have a guest room?"

"Yes," Noir said, thinking about whether or not the nice sheets were clean. They should be. Yes, he'd put those on the spare bed, and then he'd sleep alone. "I'll get it ready this evening. You just-"

"Hey now, I don't want you to get anything ready for me!" Ham's snout crinkled as he spoke, and his ears flattened against his skull. Noir coughed into his fist. "I'll just sleep with you. I'm leaving tomorrow, I don't you to have to do more washing on account of me!"

I'll sleep with you. That was it. Noir was dead. Tell his aunt, tell the papers, tell the world. Ham was simply too adorable and his heart had stuttered. He couldn't say no to that face, the one with doe eyes. He nodded, and Ham seemed satisfied. Ham even faced a pleased little 'oink'. They sat in silence for a while after that. It felt like hours, but it was over in a flash, and suddenly Aunt May was stirring. Noir immediately stood, rushing to her side. She groaned as he helped her sit up, and rubbed at her eyes for a moment.

"Oh. So it was real?" She asked blandly, staring at Ham, who was waving sheepishly. Noir shrugged. "Well, how long will he be staying?"

"I'll be out of your hair in the morning, Miss!" Ham provided cheerfully, and she nodded.

"Well then, I suppose I'll get Peter to make the spare bed," Noir whispered something to her. At first she seemed skeptical, but as Noir kept talking, a light dawned on her eyes. A wicked smile set over her face. It didn't seem malicious, but it unsettled Ham enough to become wary. "Is that what you've decided? Well, I suppose that it's alright. Oh, actually, Peter, could you get my sewing kit? I spotted a tear in, um, something."

Noir sprang up and eagerly rushed off to get it. As soon as he was gone, May leaned in, towards Ham.

"I saw the way you were looking at my Peter. Now, I'm not saying anything, but his favourite flowers are chrysanthemums. Don't disappoint!" With a wink, she left Ham awestruck and slightly confused. "Thank you Peter, I'll be in the kitchen."

"You're lucky to have such a lovely aunt," Ham remarked weakly. Noir nodded, his love for her evident on his face.

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go on patrol?" Noir said, rubbing his neck. It was a sudden proposal, but Ham knew he didn't mean to be blunt.

"Inviting me on a date already, Peter? We just got on a first name basis," Ham joked, snickering at Noir's bashful expression. "I'd love to. Let me put on my suit, and we can go."

-/-/-\\-\\-

Ham found that he needed to actually web onto Noir several times during the evening round. The man swung much faster than he did, and the buildings were spaced oddly far apart from each other. He couldn't even grip onto half of them, and confused shadows for walls. This was hard. Noir made it look so easy, overcoat flapping behind him in the wind. It was funny how different their styles were.

Gwen was always graceful, a trained dancer, wearing ballet shoes on the battlefield like a badass. Peni was efficient, but effortless, fully protected in her SP//DR. Peter B flung himself about, flipping flippantly and just uncaring about the danger. Miles, so new to it, put a bit of himself into every twist and leap and turn, looking tireless and youthful in a way some of them had never felt. Ham himself simply did ridiculous stunts, impossible to all but him. Noir? He let himself fly, his coat like wings behind him, making it seem hard and sharp but so, so smooth.

Ham wished he could have even a little bit of that smoothness.

All in all, nothing was happening that evening. It seemed suspicious, so they stayed out for a long time. It was cold in this universe, darkness like ink speckled with glitter for a sky, and ice in every breath. No happenings on the street. It was like the cold had forced all the bad guys inside. Noir thanked his newfound, shaky, luck. The four hours swinging about were tiring, but Ham was all the more willing to go home at the end to sleep. Night time was becoming Noir's favourite time.

Aunt May had made them a dinner, which wasn't complained about at all, and the two shuffled towards the bathroom. Noir went first, making quick work of his suit tangled hair. Ham took far too long for a pig.

And though the bed was lumpy and broken, it was heaven on earth for all the hours the two were asleep. They gravitated towards each other, until the dawn fell on the bed, with only one lump in it, instead of two.

They never wanted to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And by God I wanna die.
> 
> comment for a response from the author, maybe a joke or just a heartfelt thanks, because y'all deserve jokes / heartfelt thanks


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up, sorry this is late, I have school and a dinner party.

"I guess this is goodbye," Ham tried a smile, but it looked like a grimace. He didn't want to leave Noir. He'd miss that warmth at night, and the carefree feeling of simply _being_.

"I guess." Noir was sullen, but definitely not sulking.

At all.

"I'll come visit soon, okay?" Ham tried to soothe, but it came out a bit forceful. "Maybe you can visit me, if Peni makes more of these little devices."

"You know, if you'd have me, I'd be delighted to visit you," Noir said, then immediately wished he hadn't. That sounded very forward. Not what he was going for. Actually, Ham didn't seem to mind. In fact, he was chuckling under his mask.

"Well, that's all folks."

With that, Ham pressed the button with his face, and with a faint bubbling noise, disappeared. Noir sighed. He turned and prepared to go inside, when-

-/-/-\\-\\-

What. Did. I. Tell. You?

_The voice was angry, but Noir couldn't figure out why. He was back to floating in the darkness. He spun a few times, nearly catching a glimpse of red, before it was swept away in the mists of black. Was that Ham? He couldn't believe it. Would they ever be free?_

_Not that he'd mind being stuck with him forever._

I said, get it together. You're not allowed to split up until you understand! Why don't you understand?

_Noir shrugged._

_The voice sighed._

Look. I'm not going to hurt you. But if you try to leave this next dimension alone, either of you, your atoms could very well begin to corrupt everything and one around you.

This is for your own good.

_And then, he was falling. As he tumbled he heard the voice once more;_

They're halfway there. Just a bit further.

-/-/-\\-\\-

Ham knew his universe all too well. Falling only hurt if you didn't know how to float. Food could and would be cooked in seconds. Inanimate objects would grow in size for comedy purposes.

And he loved it.

This is as the place he was in place. The only animals here were odd caricatures, only interested in the comings and goings of their lives. They either adored or hated him, but he suspected that was a universal thing. Speaking of universal things...

"Oh! Spider Ham, help us! There's a terrifying creature, in black and white like he ran out of ink!"

Of £*>#ing course.

"On my way, random citizen!"The anthropomorphic cat swooned and fainted on the convenient chaise that Ham pulled from the void.

-/-/-\\-\\-

Colour?

Noir groaned and flung an arm over his eyes. He didn't want to be in colour, damn it all! He'd just- never mind. It was best to just figure out which universe he was in. Sitting up, he removed his arm, and squired in the sun. There was a shuffle of feet, and slowly, blearily, he opened his eyes. Then closed them, because honestly, £*#% this. What. Why could he think £*#%? Or -/&(? Or even #¥^*/<•? (The last one was blurred anyway, because it was bad in any universe to be honest.)

He was surrounded by anthropomorphic animals. Some of them wore pants. Others didn't. Some wore nothing at all. That was... Interesting. The crowd jostled each other as Noir stood up, and promptly realised half of them didn't even reach his hip level. The other half barely reached his chest.

"Alright, alright, stand back! I know he's gorgeous, but I gotta tell ya, he ain't from these parts!"

"Spider Ham?!" Chorused the lot of them. Well, if the voice didn't give it away, that sure did. Looking up, Noir felt his breath escape his body. No. Don't laugh. That's mean. Stop.

Ham was not looking his best, to say in the least. His suit was still mottled and ruined, and now he sported a tear on his left side. The top of one of his ears was on fire. Noir locked his finger and thumb, and put it out as if it were a candle flame.

"Thanks. Now, please, I'm going home. Follow me, and I'll get you cleaned up," Noir looked at his suit. Underneath his jacket, it was torn. When had that...? He didn't care. "Oh, and Noir? Quick warning, don't ever look up, or down, or in the direction of where you're supposed to be falling or being hit."

Like an idiot, Noir immediately looked up. It was no surprise that he barely missed the anvil that came clattering down from the heavens. It hit the ground with a a thud, and Ham didn't turn back as he thwipped out a length of web fluid.

"I warned ya."

"Will that happen every time?" Noir asked, shaken slightly. Ham shrugged.

"If it's funny. Now, follow, we have some things to discuss. Try not look down, as stated previously." Noir nodded, and swung after his friend. There was a strange click from his webshooters. "Oh yeah, I forgot that as well; this universe will £*># with you."

 

"Like the Swear Barrier?" Noir asked, disgruntled.

 

"it's called a censor," replied Ham, very, very gruntled. He swung off, secretly smiling. Looks like he wouldn't be sleeping alone. If only he could hide it from Aunt May long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End my torment;  
> Kudos!  
> Comment!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter be like:
> 
> Readers; UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
> 
> Me; UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

"Shh, don't let Aunt May hear you coming in," whispered Ham. Noir nodded, and opted for crawling on the ceiling instead of the floor. He made his way along the hall, following his counterpart and trying not to make much noise. They were nearly at the bedroom, when a loud voice gasped.

"Oh! Petey, you're home! You've been gone so long, I was worried for you," she coddled him, pinching his cheek and cooing. "Were you out with friends for the past few days?"

Ham stiffened in horror.

"You haven't tried cooking, have you, Aunty? You ordered delivery with the money I told you to, right?"

"Oh, Sweetie, I can handle a bit of cooking!" As if on cue, something beeped. "My pie is done."

A few moments later, black smoke wafted from the kitchen. Ham sighed, and led Noir into the bedroom. It was pretty plain, white walls and a purple rug, with a desk and a wardrobe. Noir settled on the big blue bed, and fiddled with the comforter. Ham flopped next to him, and let out a very long and loud groan. He shuffled until his head was on Noir's lap.

"I'll need to clean that all up after she's gone to bed tonight." He stated morosely, seeming a lot more tired all of a sudden. Noir felt guilty, as if he was the cause of all the stress.

"I can help," he offered.

"Peter, that's sweet of you," Ham began, turning to look up at him. "But you don't need to worry. We'll figure out what's wrong, and you can go home soon, okay? I won't be a bother anymore."

"I never thought of you as a bother," argued Noir. "And anyway, the voice says that we both have to figure this out!"

Silence.

"Oh my god, I thought I imagined that!" Ham whisper shouted, pulling his mask off. The pink of his skin flushed fuchsia, as he realised what was going on.

"And I'm not crazy!" Noir said back, relief flooding his posture, until he fell back on the bed. Tension ebbed from his frame, and his back cracked as he stretched. "A lot of thought went into whatever's going on."

They lay in silence for a while, enjoying the little revelation. Ham crawled until he was in a little ball on Noir's chest. Noir didn't say anything, but lay a hand in his back, encouraging him. Then it hit the monochrome man. Was this... another lover thing? It definitely didn't feel like a friend thing. Unless it was, and he was just old fashioned. Was he old fashioned? Probably.

"Hey, Peter?" Ham sounded sleepy.

"Yes, doll?" Oh $#&@. Damn it. That was not what friends said! Bad Noir, bad! Ham was no longer sleepy, head cocked to the side, looking directly at his face.

"Well, I had a question, but I forgot it. Here's another; why'd ya call me that?" Could it get any worse? He hoped to all good things out there that it wouldn't. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Great. Wonderful.

"Petey? Is someone in there?" Aunt May pushed open the door, her little spectacles falling down her snout. Ham managed to shove Noir in the wardrobe, before pulling a very convincing pose of nonchalance.

"What, no, don't be silly Aunty!" He was trying not to blush, and it wasn't working.

As Ham tried to get Aunt May to leave, Noir found himself in a forest of clothes on hangers. There were casual shirts and jeans, suits, and... Were those dresses? Holy mother, they were. Swing dancing dresses, long gowns, short skirts, crop tops, all in different colours. Some had glitter. Despite his best interests, Noir reached out and tugged a cute looking one off of its hangar. It was pale green, with little butterflies in dark green printed on the fabric. It had a thick ribbon at the waist, and a bow at the back.

Suddenly, the door was flung open, and Noir fell out, still holding the dress. Ham looked down at him, and Noir tried his best not to do anything suspicious, like hold his friend's clothing in his hands guiltily. Oh wait. That's exactly what he was doing. Ham snickered, and grabbed it off him.

"Every cartoon has to cross dress at some point," he explained. "I have had to on many occasions. Actually, there are some matching shoes-"

Ham stepped into the cupboard, pulling it closed behind him. There were a few odd noises (what could possibly be squeaking? Was there a train in there?) and the door reopened, and a red carpet rolled out. Ham stepped down, fully dressed in the outfit. The dress did indeed have some matching dark green kitten heels, and apparently a huge bow round one of his ears. Ham twirled, and struck a pose.

"I actually might have something that might fit you," Ham suggested, turning sly eyes onto the man who sat stunned before him. Noir managed to nod, not really hearing any words over the blaring 'WHAT THE £*<#!!' inside his mind.

"Good! Get in there, I'll be waiting."

-/-/-\\-\\-

"This feels so weird, Ham," Noir said, now in a knee length skirt, and a simple black blouse. They had miraculously fit, and Noir wasn't about to complain. They were both sat on the floor, playing poker. Noir was winning. He always won. "I'm wearing women's clothes, and playing poker with someone close to me, who is also in women's clothing. What is actually going on?"

"Well, I think you just said what we're doing," Ham said, and threw down his cards. "Read them and weep. Royal flush."

Noir looked at his cards. A three, a five, the jack of spades and an ace.

"You win." Ham punched the air, and collected his bounty of chocolate coins. "I really don't feel comfortable. Can I get changed?"

Ham nodded, understanding.

"Not ya thing? It's cool. You don't have to the closet actually. Just chuck the stuff on the bed." Ham went back to counting his coins. He didn't look over as Noir changed, because he didn't want or need to. He may have liked the 1930's character, but not that way. A little known fact about Spider Ham; he was asexually inclined. Romance, on the other hand? Well, if Noir was willing, he'd always be up for it. Noir looked like a considerate lover in a long term relationship.

What was he thinking?! Noir was from the 30's. A place of Nazis, who LITERALLY KILLED THOUSANDS of gay men. Even if he was so inclined, Noir would probably be in denial. Ham wasn't going to saddle him with his feelings on top of his already harsh life.

Then again, Noir's Aunt May seemed to be giving the go-ahead. She even told him his favourite flowers were Chrysanthemums. Well, if his own AUNT MAY had given him advice, surely it could work out?

Ham looked up once he heard Noir cough.

"Should we go on patrol?" This was his chance! If they went on patrol, he could grab Noir flowers on the way back!

"Sure!" Ham shouted, excited. "I'll get my spare suit, wait a second!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter be like:
> 
> Readers; UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
> 
> Me; *pulls up to the window* 860 words please.
> 
> Readers; I hate this fucking family


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I can't wait to upload this!
> 
> Friend: Why?
> 
> Me: I'm evil!

There was a whistle on the wind that day. It smacked Noir in the face twice.

In Toon Town, as affectionately dubbed by Gwen and Miles, the crime rate was strangely high. There was always a crook moseying about, doing dastardly deeds and generally waiting to be punched in the face. Ham was used to it, but it was exasperating when the city wouldn't just build a prison. Pain is only temporarily a problem, folks. After they'd healed, criminals would be at it again.

Ham wasn't looking for his regulars, though. He was looking for flowers. He scoured the city, and was on the brink of screaming in frustration. Even if he did find them, it'd be hard to convince Noir to go home without him. The detective would immediately know that something was up.

Oh, could his lament grow any more?

 _Never mind_ , he thought, as he spotted a bank robbery. Finally, some action!

"Noir, there!" He shouted, and landed on the roof. The other was soon beside him, landing with the grace of a feline. His hands went to his hips, and Ham caught a glimpse of black metal. "Oh, that's a no no."

"What?"

"Your gun. You'll have to use your fists, Noir. Guns don't work here," Ham said, rubbing his neck. Noir was frowning behind his mask, but let go of the pistol.

"Fine," he grumbled. Noir was now not only confused, but upset. He couldn't even use his gun here? What was the point? "So, what's the deal? Can I punch them?"

"Yes. Imagine they're Nazis, and sock 'em in the kisser. A bubble with words will pop up, so be ready for that," Ham warned, then narrowed his eyes. Without warning he swung down, and stood in front of the threatening looking lion. It sneered, angry and defiant, holding a large bag of cash, helpfully decorated with a dollar sign.

"Oh, classic. Spider-Ham. Hey Simba!" Called out the first lion, chuckling slightly. "We got ourselves a little pig to send crying all the way home!"

"Hey now, I wasn't rude to you," Ham said sarcastically, before jumping up and kicking the lion in the jaw. He fell to the ground. Behind him, the second, Simba, gasped.

"Lev! Imma make you pay, Spider Ham!" Simba charged, yelling loudly. What was with their names? They both meant lion, for goodness sake! Before he could go far, a dark blur fell on top of him, knocking him to the floor. Noir stood, with one foot on Simba's chest, his coat flowing majestically. Ham waved away his cartoon hearts before anyone could see. Not now, cartoon physics, bad guys were right there!

Lev roared and sat up, only to be punched in the face by a three foot pig and knocked out. Simba fell to his side, looking fearful. Once he realised he was just knocked out, he growled and stalked forward.

Noir hit him again, and he fell to his knees, whimpering. He picked up Lev and began to shuffle off. Without warning, a crowd appeared, cheering on the Spiders and booing as the crooks slunk away, sans their loot.

"Now, it's gonna get a bit crazy," Ham muttered, and grabbed hold of Noir's hand. He took a running start, then swung into the sky, which was now filled with confetti. Pink love heart confetti. Yeah, yeah, he got it, just hold on a bit! He dragged Noir back up to a building, and lay flat in the roof. "They'll probably start singing. You should head home, it could get a bit much."

Noir nodded, and then was gone, a flying black speck in the distance. Ham grinned as the crowd below dispersed. Now he had time to get some chrysanthemums, and Noir would be none the wiser. He felt a little bad that he'd lied but it would be all okay. There was a flowershop just round the corner.

-/-/-\\-\\-

"Noir-y, I'm home!" Noir looked up from the book in his hands. It had no words, like most books in that universe, but plenty of colourful pictures. Ham noted that he wasn't wearing his mask, but instead his glasses. Hair flopped into his eyes.

"Welcome back. Your Aunt went to bed, and there's still the faint scent of smoke." Noir stated. Ham took a moment, and realised it was true. Ah well. Cleaning could come later.

"I got ya a present!" Ham said, holding out a large bouquet.

The store had had many colours of chrysanthemum. Purples, pinks, whites, blues, yellows, and even a few rainbow ones that cost more than necessary. Of course, Ham had made sure to get one of every colour. Though pricey, the look on Noir's face was...

Oh wowza.

Noir's eyes were soft, and slightly damp. His glasses were pushed up slightly by one of his hands, which was covering his gasping mouth. Ham hadn't noticed before, but there was a freckle under his left eyebrow. Noir made a strange sound, then drew back, composing himself into his usual state. He coughed into a clenched fist, and looked at the floor.

"They're beautiful, Ham," oh god. His voice was slightly wobbly, and he was smiling so happily, as if it was the best gift he'd ever been given in his life. Ham knew there had to be hearts around his head at this point. He could try get rid of them, but, to put it simply, he didn't care.

"I think I might love you." Ham said.

"What?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Chanting)
> 
> HAM FUCKED UP!  
> OR DID HE!?  
> HAM FUCKED UP!  
> IS NOIR READY?!
> 
> Commenters, you decide. I'll write the next chapter after five comments of either he did or didn't fuck up.
> 
>  
> 
> Go forth, my pretties.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Majority: nooooooo he hasn't ducked up!
> 
> Me: HE FUCKED UP A LITTLE. Just a little.
> 
>  
> 
> Seriously, I'd really love to thank everyone for the support. You guys make writing worth it.

Tense. That's the only way to describe what Noir felt. He'd just been told that he was loved, by Ham. Ham, who was so perfect and funny and cute, who could have any human or anthro he wanted, loved him. It was a shock, to say in the least. In the most, it jarred him so hard he temporarily blacked out on the bed.

He didn't know it, but at this time Ham had freaked out, leaving the room and cleaning the house in a semi hurt panic. He'd come back in later, only to find that Noir hadn't moved. He clambered on top of him to check him over.

He came to an hour later, opening his eyes to see Ham peering down at him, comfortably situated on his chest. His next reactions were shameful, he would later admit. He sat up, pushed Ham away and went to sit on the side of a random building.

As he swung, a moral debate went on in his mind.

_He said he loves you, and you love him, so what's the problem?_

_The problem is that he could have been joking. This is a strange universe!_

He swung for hours, not checking any clocks. It was late, he could tell. The sky went straight to night here, and a cold wind flew around him, jostling him and almost mocking his cowardice. He could almost monologue, and surely rain clouds would form, just to add a bit more irony to his situation.

Ham loved him, yes. That was what he said. He'd said it with conviction, clarity, composure, and chrysanthemums. They had been gorgeous.

Did Noir love Ham? Absolutely, undoubtedly, painfully. He loved him with every fibre of his being, and it hurt him to say anything otherwise.

So why _run_. Why run far and hide, why avoid someone who loved him, why act like such an ungrateful fool? Who was such an idiot? Where on earth would that be accepted as right and kind and just?

He was scared. That was his excuse, he decided. It felt cowardly, mocking, a mask to hide his face behind. Then again, he'd hidden behind a mask before. He had said he didn't like men. He had said that Nazis had a point. He'd punched the Nazis afterwards, but the words were still bitter. He hated that he had once had to pretend to be a Nazi to save people. Hateful people, they were. Humans, but ones that bathed in the blood of innocent men and women.

"If only the world loved people more," he lamented, staring down at the bustling street. The colours here were bright and saturated and strong, and they reminded him of the one person he'd rather not think about. How his skin was so softly pink, how his eyes crinkled when he laughed, his stupid jokes and strange physics he'd never fully understand.

Think of the devil.

"Hey, Noir." Ham was subdued. They hadn't spoken when he'd left. They didn't want to. "I'm sorry for pushing that on you, when it's clear you don't want me in that way."

"Mm." Noir didn't respond further, his lips numb from the cold and from him biting them. He knew he should say something, but he couldn't think of what. Perhaps an apology?

"You probably think romance between guys is weird, and that's okay, I know how the 30's were." Ham continued, sitting beside him. Noir shivered, and felt confused. Yes, his era wasn't the greatest for those other ways inclined, but what did Ham mean? "I understand that you're straight."

"Hold up," Noir said disbelievingly. "I'm not straight. I'm, what's the word, bisexual! Aunt May helped me figure it out ages ago."

"Why'd you freak out, then?" Ham asked. His tone wasn't accusatory, but curious, and a bit apprehensive. Almost as if he was expecting an angry response. A dangerous response. Noir didn't give him one.

"Well, for one thing, you're a pig."

"Yeah, I can see where you're coming from," Ham said thoughtfully. "I used to be a spider though, so there's that."

"Well, that's not the point, is it?"

"I'm only looking for romance, Noir," Ham muttered, looking away. "I'm ace, remember? I don't like that stuff."

"And there's the fact that no ones ever said they loved me outside my family." He blurted. Suddenly, he couldn't stop speaking. "I freaked out because no one had ever said they love me, or done such nice things to me, and you've just been so kind and friendly, and I couldn't tell it was flirting! And then there's the issue of how my Aunt would react, and I know she'd never be upset with me but it's hard to tell her I love someone like you. Also, what about your colourful universe? It's so beautiful, and how can I compare? I'm all grey and dark and bland and-"

Ham grabbed his cheeks, forcing him to look him in the eye. The pig had removed his mask, and there were a few tears in his eyes. He held his face tightly, and looked him all over. He rested his snout on Noir's nose, and leaned their foreheads together.

"You love me too?" He asked, as the wind brushed past. "Truly?"

"Truly," whispered Noir, hiding behind his mask.

There was silence on the side of the building. The sky was purple with the city lights, and the city itself was glowing gold with a thousand streetlights. In the distance, the sound of an ambulance broke through, and Ham sighed.

"The cops can take care of that," he murmured, upset that the moment was ruined. He looked shyly back at Noir, and held out his hand. "Wanna go to bed early?"

"Can I sleep in?" Noir replied, tiredly.

"Of course."

-/-/-\\-\\-

That night, Noir didn't sleep easily. Within a few moments, Ham had been both ready for bed and then asleep, snuggled up in the bed. Noir took his time, slowly putting on soft pyjamas and readying himself for dreaming. Then he'd laid himself down, and started trying to sleep.

He couldn't.

Ham snores quietly beside him, and shivered slightly. Noir reached out unthinkingly, and pulled him on top of his chest. The shivering stopped, and Ham gave a little sigh of contentment. Noir slowly rubbed circles in his back, and found himself drifting off to slumber.

And if the city needed help, well, it could wait. They were tired, but at least they were together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not many chapters left. It's sad, but I think sometimes it's okay to reread things that make you happy. I'll reread this for awhile. You're all so amazing, and these comments are lovely to look at when I'm feeling down.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter that I've written with 'Noir' being more common than 'Ham'.

It smelled like burnt food and rain. Ham opened his eyes, and noticed how his bed was shifting. Then he noticed that Noir was staring at him with the dumbest face he'd ever seen on a human. He smiled.

"Morning, dark and handsome," he mumbled, stretching out. "Did you hear Aunt May leave, or is she still...?"

"She left a while ago. What does she do?" Noir began to scratch behind Ham's ear, and he leaned into the touch.

"She's a scientist, but she mostly goes out for a few hours to potter around markets and shops." Ham stood up, and jumped from the bed. He swished into his closet. When he reappeared, he was in a pair of jean shorts and a very old looking shirt. Half of the design had come off. Ham didn't seem to care at all. "I'm going to clean the kitchen, and make breakfast. Come through when you're ready."

Noir nodded, and Ham closed the door behind him. Then he sunk to the floor, his face in his hands, clutching at his blushing cheeks. How had he landed such a guy again? Noir could easily do better, but he seemed so awestruck at waking up with plain little Ham. He thanked his lucky stars, moons and skies.

When he entered the kitchen he couldn't help his grimace. The sink was filled with blackened utensils, and there was still something bubbling on the stove. There was a broken glass, and various foodstuffs on the walls and floors. Ham sighed, and whipped out a broom, bucket, mop and wipes from his cartoon void. Man that was useful.

He started mopping the floor. He made quick work of the easier things, like pasta sauce and crisps. The inexplicable black substances took some scrubbing. The walls were also mopped, and he thanked whatever God there was for letting him keep his spider powers. Luckily the ceiling had been spared for once. He couldn't take another cake fiasco. He scrubbed the stovetop a and counters, until they shone. The washing in the sink was quickly swabbed and set to dry. He could tackle the oven later. He washed his hands.

Now that the kitchen was clean, he set to making pancakes. Luckily, his Aunt had restocked the fridge, leaving him with plenty ingredients. He set them out, and took a freshly washed pan. He mixed the batter in a little blue bowl, combining the eggs and milk and sugar. Then he filled a squeeze bottle, and preheated the pan as he thought about designs. As he thought, he popped the bowl in the sink, and washed his hands again.

Noir walked in, now dressed and more awake. Ham pointed to the now visible table.

"Sit, I'll be done in a minute."

"How did you clean this so fast? It's been fifteen minutes," Noir commented, glancing around appreciatively. Ham shrugged, and turned to the stove. Noir refrained from commenting on his magenta apron.

It took so little time, but felt like an eternity. Noir could watch Ham cook for hours. The sunlight streamed in, casting golden oblongs of light into the kitchen. Finally, he brought over some pancakes. Two were spider shaped, two more were love hearts and the last two were... Something. Noir wasn't sure what, but Porker seemed proud, so he kept quiet. Nevertheless, they tasted like heaven. Ham took note that he liked them.

"So," he started, wrinkling his snout in a smile. "What are we now?"

"I, I don't understand?" Noir raised an eyebrow, and took their plates to the sink. "What do you mean?"

"Are we boyfriends-" Noir nearly dropped the plates, "lovers-" he just barely managed to not make too much of a clatter "some internet otp?"

"I don't care for he last one, because I don't know what that means."

"Ok, fair." Ham leaned on his arms. Table manners be damned! "So...? Any ideas?"

Noir took a deep breath. He wasn't too sure about 'lovers', no matter how cute it sounded. 'Boyfriends' was viable, he supposed. He'd dovetail Ham, be called whatever he wanted, Noir supposed. He shrugged, and sat back down.

"Nothing? Ah, well. Labels aren't for everything-"

"How's about we just be a couple?" Noir interrupted with an easy smile. He'd evidently said the right thing, as Ham suddenly sprouted hearts in the same shade of red as his suit. Ham sighed, and swooned a little, his eyes turning into hearts as he gazed at Noir.

"A couple... Peter, you are so perfect." Noir looked down, only to have his hand grabbed by a much smaller one. "I mean it. Peter, you are the best thing to ever happen to me."

"That's funny, cause that's what I think about you," Noir said quietly, shyly.

Ham laughed, and stood up.

"Let's go out for a bit! It'll be like a date," he suggested, wandering to the front door. Noir followed, smiling awkwardly. As Ham put on his shoes, he noticed his uncertainty. "We don't have to."

"I've never been on a date," Noir confessed. "I've had a few hookups with a lot of dames, but..."

"Never got far, huh?" Ham said. "Me neither. Mary Jane, she asked me out, but when she found out about me being... ace, she didn't take well. We don't talk much."

Noir lay a hand on Ham's back. He knew what it felt like. He knew pain too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I didn't update yesterday, but I was busy. Recently I made a noir cosplay, that I'm really proud of!! I'll buy or sew a little Ham plush to go with it, and wear it to my next con.
> 
>  
> 
> Comment what you'd like to see these Bois do on their date, and any complications or scenarios you'd like to see in upcoming chapters!!

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the other half of sorry


End file.
